Share, don't compare

This post is something of a continuation of the last. While then I spoke about how magazines and blogs can make you feel panicked by telling you all of the things you should be doing, they can also invoke the green eyed monster.

I, like a lot of others, am keen to avoid the cookie-cutter wedding (huge dress, tiara, fancy car, shouty master of ceremonies - there's nothing wrong with this type of wedding, but I find it a bit daunting) and opt for something less traditional that stands out and also reflects mine and D's personalities. As we get older, we will be called upon to attend more and more weddings each year and no-one wants theirs to blend into a memory fog.

One problem though - I am far from the Edgy Bride. In fact, a quick peek at blogs and posts by Edgy Brides on the web just made me feel even more confused and panicked.

The main reason for this was that all their weddings were so cool. Because they were cool. Indeed, every one of the Edgy Bride weddings I looked at were achingly cool.

Yet there was also an air of the unbelievable about them. Some claimed they had wanted a relaxed wedding: "More an informal gathering really..." Yet I refuse to believe these brides were relaxed as they iced their own cake the day before they got married, painted banners and blackboards to decorate the venue with, made their own bouquets from lace birds and butterflies or attempted to convince their grandmother that spending the reception sitting on a cushion outside a yurt was fun.

The more black and white pictures I scrolled through - showing brides in vintage satin with their hair a little too carefully unkempt, grooms in sunglasses and natty tweed suits posing at a bus stop, bridesmaids wearing un-matching yet colour co-ordinated prom dresses, laughing as they posed in wellies outside a barn, where "close friend" Jonas was entertaining the guests with a few Bright Eyes songs on his acoustic guitar - the more I realised I am not cool. And maybe that's a good thing.

The bottom line is that your wedding day will reflect who you are, whether or not you personally choose the evening's set list, name each table after your favourite films or even invest in huge posters showing you and your spouse laughingly walking your dog by a canal. The venue will be packed with your friends and family watching you exchange vows. When the big day comes it could not be more personal, unique or cool.

If you want to get your craft kit out, start baking or begin scouting for unusual places to have your wedding photographs taken, that's OK too. But if you're just not that kind of bride - and I'm not - sit back and bask in the knowledge that when your wedding day comes, you will be glad having to arrange cup cakes like a pile of Ferrero Rocher is the last thing on your mind.

So, the lesson is not to compare but to share. Your wedding will be individual, but it's OK to take inspiration from others. At the end of the big day, we will all be taking home an album of photos showing smiling guests, a smart groom and a woman in white.

Stress less

When I got engaged I vowed I would just enjoy it for a while. This I did. For about one week. And that was only because it was Christmas, a time when everything, including the wedding industry, takes a backseat. However, before too long people wanted to know when the big day was. And no matter how vague the date in your mind is, with a date there must come a venue. And with a venue there must come a theme for the day. And so it spirals. At least I enjoyed my one week of being engaged.

As mentioned before, I am quite lazy and I prefer to turn to third parties for guidance/a-person-to-do-it-for-me whenever something big looms on the horizon. So that's just what I did. Big mistake!

There is a LOT of wedding advice out there. For instance, all I wanted to get my hands on was a simple wedding planner - a guide that would tell me what basics I should be getting organised each month during the year before I got married. After dismissing the many planners that suggested a wedding simply could not be arranged in merely 12 months, I was left with a variety of increasingly panic-inducing guides. One told me that I MUST make sure I had booked a session with a feng shui expert at least six months before my wedding day. Another reminded me that I should schedule in time for remodelling a room in my home during the final month of the countdown (weird, but I'm not making it up). In fact, after innocently believing I would not be required to do much during the first three to six months, every guide told me I was wrong, wrong, WRONG. Thank goodness we got engaged at Christmas and I had several bottles of sherry to help calm my battered nerves.

Then there were the blogs and magazines, both of which opened up a completely different can of worms. Not only did I have to plan the biggest event of my life but it also had to be the Best. Day. Ever!!! Yet every wedding was different. Where was the cut-out-and-keep blue print I was after? The one thing I ascertained was that brides can be split into two basic types.

Cookie-cutter

These are the brides who get engaged, buy every wedding magazine on the shelf one day later and will strive for the fairytale wedding. I have nothing but respect for these women as the very idea of setting such a goal sends me racing for the sherry bottle again.

Edgy

Increasingly, there are brides out there who dismiss the fairytale wedding in favour of something different and more "them". At first, this seems like a sensible route, but delve deeper. Take a look at the Polaroid photos, the handcrafted table decorations, the homemade tower of cupcakes. Down this route lies even more stress than the ultimate cookie-cutter wedding.

So, I have decided that from this point forward I will limit the "advice" I seek. I will flick through wedding magazines faster than Superman spins around in his phone booth. I will draw up my own wedding plan.

And if I do want advice, I will ask people to share their tips with me. Friends who have got married and lived to tell the tale, or those who are getting married and are happy to hear me moan if they can do the same. Perhaps the best person to turn to is your mum. Trust me, when you're up to your eyes in dried flowers, weeping as you attempt to tie bouquets in yarn, to place in one of the ten antique glasses you have been collecting, to place in the middle of the circle of tea light holders you have decorated with the names of your guests to use as place settings, you will wonder why you didn't just ask her to host a buffet at her house.

The Guilt-edged Bride

I'm a writer and yet I have never written a blog. I never felt I had anything of interest to write about. Now I'm getting married, and although this is a rather run-of-the-mill occurrence, weddings also support a multi-million pound industry, with countless blogs, magazines and websites all eager to shout about them. So, I guess I now have something to write about.

However, the reason I felt compelled to write a blog is not to bask in lacy, bridal glory. In fact, I wanted to write about getting married in terms of the three leading feelings I have about this, the greatest day of my life: panic, laziness and guilt. So, before I delve into the flowers and confetti, I'll address these individually.

Panic

First off, I do not feel panicked about actually being married - far from it. I have been with my partner (who, in true blog style, shall be referred to as D from this point forward) for six years. I always counted myself lucky that I never had to hear comments like "has he still not made an honest woman of you" or "no ring on that finger, I see", served up with a pitying face. However, the last year such comments had started to creep in. The fact is, we have known for a long time we were going to get married, it was just a case of getting round to it. I'm glad he did though, as those pitying faces were becoming all too common.

No, the reason I feel panicked is I have to organise a wedding. Up to this point, I have never done anything more than throw a half-hearted BBQ for half a dozen people and yet now I have to plan and host an event for more than 100, all of whom will be travelling from all over the country and most of whom do not know each other. In fact, every year millions of women are suddenly expected to become fully-qualified event planners without even the knowledge they get to waltz around in an Access All Areas sticker on the big day. This is the real reason for the panic and stress.

Laziness

OK, maybe I'm not lazy. However, I do tend to avoid over-exerting myself. Balancing too many plates only ends up with something breaking, so I prefer to hold one plate firmly in two hands. But gone are the days when 50 members of your family would fill the pews in church, before heading back to your parents' home to tuck into a buffet. So now I have to start plate-balancing. I am going to have to make an effort and actually plan and execute something - the thought of which makes me long for the comfort of lazing on the sofa.

Guilt

What reason have I to feel guilty? Before you ask, I did not steal D from the arms of another. In fact, the very reason I have to feel guilty is evidenced in this blog - I am moaning. About having a wedding.

I have a favourite line in Friends. It's from the one where Ross has to decide whether to stay with Julie or leave her to be with Rachel. After bemoaning the fact that two women are in love with him, Chandler responds, saying: "My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

This sums my feelings up perfectly. We all know the curse of the Bridezilla, but what about the Bridezmoaner? Who knows a bride who hasn't moaned about something? Even a teensy bit? Perhaps it's that the flowers aren't what they asked for, or they can't find the perfect dress (more of that in a later post). Somehow, the moans squeeze in, leaving everyone else wanting to scream "you're getting married! Cheer up, what's wrong with you?" And well they should. You are about to enjoy the day you have dreamed of since you were old enough to daydream - what is wrong with you?

The thing is, it's so easy for those moans to creep in, because planning a wedding is panic-inducing and does make you want to run and hide under the duvet. Yet moaning about it induces feelings of guilt. Although, better to be guilty of moaning than to be a smug bride.

So, therein lies my (hopefully unique) angle. This blog is for any bride who has feelings of panic, laziness and guilt mixed in with the happiness and excitement. Hopefully we can get through this together.